16 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn

Generally once or twice a week I have to close the library, which means that I work from 11:00 am to 8:00 pm. My friend/co-worker Martin works until 10:00 pm, so on the nights that I close, we usually go to dinner together. Last night we went to Jimmy John's...I had never been there before, although Martin had. But this is all really beside the point of this post! Although, before I get to the TRUE point, let me say that I cannot recommend Jimmy John's with any kind of enthusiasm. My vegetarian sandwich was pretty lame...Jori and I used to make some ROCKIN' veggie sandwiches in college, and our version would have put Jimmy to shame! But I digress...now I'll get to the real point:

There was a poster on the wall next to our table that had this list from Dave Barry, titled something like, "16 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn" (there are discrepencies in the title on the internet, and as some of you know, I have a TERRIBLE memory, so I couldn't tell you what the title on the poster was). Dave Barry is a funny guy, and this list is DEFINITELY worth sharing. Although, I have to say that I whole-heartedly disagree with #11...those of you who know me well won't be surprised!

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.).

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.